Sometimes I am amazed at how hard I can be on myself, and how I internalize whatever I’m experiencing as being my own fault. Yesterday, when I called in sick, in fact, I wasn’t feeling well. I needed a mental health day, true enough. But I was also in the midst of a very bad reaction to a new medication my doctor prescribed for migraine. I was blown up like a balloon and extremely swollen which made it hard to think straight and put me into full-blown anxiety mode. Fortunately the fix is easy – stop taking the medicine and take antihistamines until the swelling goes away. Today is a little better but I’m still not back to normal.
The self-compassion workbook I’m reading has been helpful, but again, when a person surpasses a certain level of anxiety, it is hard to absorb any information until whatever triggered the episode is brought down to a more manageable level. Scary but true.
As far as my break from the news, I’ve been doing pretty well. I listened to a bit of the hearing yesterday, as my girls have been wanting to talk about it with me. But I listened to the actual event, not the interpretation and analysis of the event. It is easier for me to make a judgment when I have first hand knowledge of what happened.
There has been lots of conversation amongst my friends and daughters, and we’ve all had our own stories to share. I was heartbroken yesterday when my youngest told me of an assault that happened to her in high school. I was so hard on her that next morning for being out late, and now looking back, I can only imagine how bad she must have been feeling. She still struggles with self-blame, like all of us do, rather than feel the powerlessness of being overtaken against one’s will.
One thing we all agree on, as we share our stories, is that you don’t forget who it was, or what happened.