Mental Health Day

IMG_1945I’m taking a mental health day today. I need time to sort out what I am doing with my life and why I am feeling so frustrated right now. I wish I had the answers. I just know my body is demanding my attention.

In the morning when I’m eating breakfast, I’ve been browsing through The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook instead of reading the newspaper. The calmness and clarity I experience from reading it lasts until I get to work, and then I find myself slipping backwards into anxiety and frustration.

This is the second job I’ve taken that I haven’t liked in the past year and a half. After twenty years of being at the same job, loving it on some days and hating it on others, I decided to venture out into the world. The old job was my security blanket for better or worse. I knew I could talk to people when I was feeling anxious and depressed, because many of my co-workers had the same issues. We shared each other’s joys, losses, and struggles. We were like siblings, competing with each other but standing up for each other too.

I am still grieving from the loss of that job and the way things ended. It was hard slipping down the rungs of the ladder, even as I was gaining a master’s degree. In the end, lots of things seemed to matter more than another degree, namely youth and who was willing to do the manager’s bidding during her extended absences and ignore her manipulative behaviors.

Going through a divorce after 30 years was tough. Very tough. This almost feels as bad. I never planned on leaving that job. I wanted to retire from there, possibly reducing my hours a long the way. It stung when I tried to go back and I couldn’t. It feels like I’ve been permanently locked out of my own home.

I took a risk and it didn’t end well. The first job was a stressful disaster, with the exception of making two new friends. The second (current job) is fine, just boring, dull, and unrewarding. The environment is drab, and I feel like I’ve gone back in time because they are operating in the dark ages. The people are nice enough. There are a few that I really like a lot, which just goes to show there is always a silver lining, no matter how bad it gets. For me, it has always been more about the connections I make than anything else, but there is a threshold to what I can tolerate.

Nobody knows I’m off work today, except, of course, the people I work with. It feels good to be off the radar and I probably won’t tell anyone I skipped. I really was feeling anxious, depressed, and had a massive headache.  I needed a breather. It will be nice when the day comes when taking a mental health day is okay.

I have an interview for a home based job next week. Not sure how that will go. I want it pretty bad as I’m finding I despise getting out the door in the morning. I wish I didn’t have to do such an extensive interview, but hopefully I’ll feel better by next week, and it will go fine.

I think I’ll take a walk at my favorite park today, to clear my head and get some exercise. There are other things I am worried about, but that is for another day.


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